Mania

My brain is spinning out of control
Higher and higher, it loops
In tighter and tighter circles
Squeezing the breath out of me

Can’t stop thinking
Can’t stop feeling
Analyzing
Criticizing
Exacerbating
my own appraisals

Faster, faster, ever faster
Faster, faster
And faster yet, faster faster fuckingFASTER!

Brainwaves circling like vultures
over a bleeding, asphyxiated near-kill
Catching thermals, gliding still faster
Higher and swooping
Rattling about, a wooden cart
out of control on a roller coaster track
All too easy to dive for the kill

A mind like a frayed wire
Sparking and sizzling, a foreboding forewarning
Caught in an endless short-circuited loop
Obsessively
I agonize over the state of the world, the state of myself
pouncing on ignorance, pouncing on error, second-guessing myself
losing faith
in everything.

Caught in a search
for constant distractions
I let go of the drugs, the alcohol
I lose myself in music, but
I am drawn to the most epic and lonely and mournful of tunes
The perfect soundtrack
for the end of the world.

My apocalyptic tastes run
Over the edges of common understanding
Pushing, scouraging, prying like a vise
with a mind like a steel trap
To KNOW, to understand, to grasp the deeper meaning, to see beyond the
two-dimensional shaded lines
that crisscross above in a dangerous maze of narrow catwalks
tossing shadows over the pit
from which a low humming electronic drone
and a more ominous hissing
emits
The pit of truth.

I am too passionate
I boil over
hear the vicious sizzling shots
water sharply splattering onto hot hot metal, spitting from a frying pan onto the stove

HSSHH!

I love too much, too deeply, too
unreservedly
with wild abandon and fantasy airs
my idealistic unrealistic
constructions
dissolve
into the most nihilistic
jaded self-destructive
bitter hopeless nonchalant
– who me I don’t care –
Recurring descent into Nothingness.

I hate so deeply
it shakes me to the core
clenched jaw and fists and muscles
white from blood loss, crescent-shaped grooves carved into my palms
The whole world shakes in front of me and I
see red.

I don’t know why
I can’t just let things be
I can’t pretend that I don’t know better, or differently, or anything at all
I’m not good at
fitting neatly into prescribed little boxes.
I see through
Everything.

Love, Truth, Justice, Hate
Corruption, Greed, and Corporations
Lies Lies Lies
all these things
that elicit such a
Passionate, wild, unstifled and unsatisfied
Energy!
in me.

I can’t slow down
I can’t be content
I can’t be ignorant, I can’t believe
the Lies Lies Lies
like the sheeple do.
I am never satisfied
although I have Try Try Tried
so many times.

So many fucking times.