(Shrug it Off) It's Only Skin Now

I'm moving so fast
without going anywhere
While at the same time
going really far
but not really moving
at all.

Impulse towards escapism
Knotted fists, needing to numb out
Nine Inch Nails, nine more drinks
Fake smile, blink to banish the tears
Shut the past off, shut the present off
Til nothing matters anymore
And it's all distant and faceless in front of my
deaf blind cold blankness.

I scream without a sound
Cry without a tear
Bleed without a drop
Hate without fear
I mourn without feeling
I ignore the extra weight
I dance as if nothing matters
Because you know I can't feel it anyway.

Stimulants, depressants, dissociatives, expletives
Could-haves, might-haves, shouldn't-haves, can't-take-it-backs

This is the year
that I face it
This is the year
that I make the choice
This is the year
that I struggle the most
This is the year
that I bring the past back
This is the year
that I admit it still hurts
This is the year
I admit it hurts a lot
This is the year
I rip open the scar
This is the year
I admit that it happened
This is the year
I start to come clean
This is the year
I start to build the new me.

I'm ripping everything apart
Ripping open old scars so they can heal properly
Ripping apart comfort, security, and familiarity to make room for change
Ripping apart decisions and challenging past choices
Ripping away what isn't serving me well, and prioritizing me
Shrug it off, shrug it off, shrug it off, it's only skin now....