Burnt and Dirty

Two of my friends got jumped in the last week
One for standing up to a racist attack on his Indigenous heritage
The other one, maybe for being Indigenous, or maybe just for potentially having a wallet
He'll never know.

In the same week
One friend was called a halfbreed and told he should know his place
One client said his neighbourhood was unsafe because there were too many Natives
One party host self-identified as a Nazi
One caring person monitors the local white supremacist networks

Still in the same week
One older man takes advantage of partner rotation at a group dance lesson
And tries to get too close.
One teenage girl is preyed on by a lecherous man
Escapes because a survivor of that same man
Dared to open her mouth
and break the silence.

Surrounded by racism, misogyny, homophobia
All kinds of violence
The ripple effect of pain that they cause
Bombarded by groping, sexual harassment
So much hate, so damaging, so unnecessary
It soils
and it burns
A degrading, festering sore
that I can't wash off.

The worst part is
Why do I always leave feeling
As if I should have said something different
Done something different
As if the onus was on me
To behave differently.

Not contrite
- far from it.
Rather, I should have said something more scathing
More cutting
Really put the offender in his place and let him know
How unacceptable his actions are
And that I
as a strong, intelligent, confident woman
Am not going to put up with
that bullshit.

Survival strategies
Shut my mouth, put on my shoes, make an excuse, get the hell out
These are defense mechanisms
that have kept me alive
So why do I always feel
Like I should have said something, done something different?

The times that I have spat poison back
Shoved or punched men who refused to stay out of my space
Hurled a FUCK OFF at an insulting person
Made a scene
I feel a lot better
about those times.

A lot better
than the times where I've meekly
with furtive discomfort
just ducked out of the situation.

But then I ask myself
Is the best thing to say
necessarily the boldest thing that one can say?
Or is the best thing to say
whatever is most likely to minimize the violence?
Because isn't the boldest action
in the face of hatred
Simply Staying Alive?

I don't know.