Open

"Your radical openness" he wrote to me;
A few weeks later:
"You're very approachable" she observed dryly.
Apparently I radiate warmth and honesty
Apparently I've "got something special
And it shows. "

Is this why
total strangers and casual acquaintances
literally
cry on my shoulder?

Does this explain
How many people I have supported
through tales of horrific abuse
from parents, from boyfriends,
from coaches, from anyone?
Then there are the tales of
pregnancy, abortion,
both having and losing children,
deaths in the family,
lovers who killed themselves,
and even what seems almost trivial
pressure from wealthy superficial peers;

I have heard so many stories of
not feeling good enough
not measuring up
hating oneself, being a broken person
hating the world, wanting to die
All the while I am drunk, high
and trying to have
a good time.

It's behind the dozen suicide interventions
And my work on the Sexual Assault Crisis Line
Why I am the afterhours who-to-call
For anyone breaking down, anytime.

This openness has grown
Where armour has melted away
Visible in the return
of warm, vibrant colours:
Rainbow dresses and flowing skirts
replacing a wardrobe of black,
spikes, and chains, and baggy pants.

Au naturel, not a trace
of ebony liquid eyelinger rings
Accompanies a return to smiling
To laughing, to dancing
Admitted sexuality, grew a love for my body
An embrace of the physical,
emotions, and spirituality.

Tentative claims
to a general happiness
Not just in reference
to the torrents of ecstasy;
Beyond and behind
riding the highs
Quite aside from drugs or being in love;
When all the distractions
are stripped away
Eyes open or closed
Music is off, and I am alone
What is left?

It's not empty anymore
I'm not a cavern
of loss and absence of hope
The lurking doubts and self-hatred
Have faded away
with the background of pain.
The more I healed, the more I revealed
the less afraid I became.

Now I am a beacon
for panicked swimmers to cling and grasp at?
Okay, I accept this talent, this challenge
But for fucks' sake please respect
When I draw a circle of personal space
So that I don't get smothered by you.