Mattzilla

The following is a stream-of-consciousness coping piece. Parts of it are used in later works. 

When you said "I'll really miss you"
Did you know it would be forever?

Three years past the rock star baby
I wish you were here
and could see all these people
gathered, crying
people who loved you.

When you jumped off that bridge
Did you have that last moment
that panicked pang of regret
or 
Did it feel like you could fly?

What was it like
when you plunged into the icy rushing January river -
Was it the most mad final rush?

Which part killed you?
The force of impact? Drowning? Hypothermia?
Or did you die long before?

Your blog is still linked to mine
Matzilla: The Upward Spiral
And for so long you really were on your way up
What happened?
Could I have changed it
if I hadn't left?
Did you resent it
did you feel like I left you behind?
I'm so sorry Matt
So fucking sorry.

So many nights.
I remember holding you in my arms as you cried
after you were assaulted by that racist asshole
and you had walked away with your head held high.
I was so proud of you
and I still remember that
every time I get worn down by racist so-called jokes
I remember you, and strengthen my resolve.

Two years we lived together
I was only 18 when we met
We both grew so much.
Did you spiral out and get lost?
Or did you spiral in and find the end?

Now I know what it feels like
to be the best friend, the roommate
the first to get the call
the one people tiptoe around
and offer their condolences to.

I fucking miss you Mattzilla.
I love you
and always will.