as autumn Falls, and winter Descends

Please don’t leave me
alone with my thoughts
If I could only explain
how afraid I am.
It’s ice in my belly,
twisting my gut,
shaking, crying
in my head I’m screaming
Please let me out of here
I’m so afraid of how bad it will get
this time.

I’m stable, calming
got my shit together
I could listen to you
for hours
and I do. I absorb
everything
without judging, without
freaking out or
anything.
All of your pain
dissolves into me
and I sit here and take it
so readily
this is what I’m here for,
this is what I’m good at
this is what makes you
appreciate
me.

Look at me
my quiet smile
gentle, affirming, a
comforting presence, a
comfortable silence
just between you
and me
But mostly just you.
I’m barely even here.


Why can’t I trust
or open up
or even admit
that anything’s wrong?

who can I trust?

so here I sit
listening to Nine Inch Nails, every
stroke of guitar
tink of piano
loll of his voice,
a ripple of orgasmic relief
slips and unfurls
down my smooth skin
leaving
a trail of shivers, of longing
behind the warm brushing caress
I can’t love it enough
to make it real, to
make him
be here.
And it hurts.

I can’t even cry
over my own sadness.
It’s been so long
since I cared.
And yet I feel a squeezing
sweep toward tears
instantaneously when I think
about what others have gone through
or presently are going
through.

Behold, the beautiful faker
who fakes so beautifully
she fools herself.
for a time.

until

it comes creeping back again
every fall, tiny
surreptitious
stealing forward
like a wildcat stalking in the night
It comes.
and I sit here
and I wait

and wait

and wait

and wait in terror
for the flood to arrive.

Praying
that I won’t be washed so far out
that I can’t find my way back
that it won’t last so long
that I can’t stay afloat
praying
that I’ll still care
praying
that I’ll still be here.

You can’t see me
You can’t see me
You
don’t see me
I
can’t see myself.

I won’t let you see me.

When I spend too much time
Alone
My soul starts to squeeze out
through the crack under the door
And I try to grab it and gather it back in
before it washes me too
far away
and reveals too much
but it’s thin and slippery as Blood
and I can’t hold on
it runs right through my fingers
leaving only an ugly stain
the kind you see on the bathroom floor
in a shitty junkie bar.

If I could only explain
how afraid I am.