Spin On This Ride

How many times do we need to spin on this ride
knowing full well it makes us sick?

Watching ourselves get deeper and deeper into a bad situation
knowing exactly what's happening
exactly where it's going
and we keep on digging
- how fucking stupid
do we have to be.

It gets messier
and messier.

Part of me wants to continue
I think
that's the part of me
that likes his dreads,
our cuddles, and
the way he fucks me.
My brain and half my heart
are screaming Get the fuck out!
Am I listening?
Intermittently.

And it gets messier.

It goes so well
until one of us opens our mouth.

With every spin of the ride
we both feel sicker.
With every spin of the ride
another piece of what used to be affection
is replaced
with animosity.

And then we do it again.

What I want
is not what he is
but knowing that
is not enough
to make me stop.

And it gets messier.

Not fair, not reasonable, not realistic
and we do it again.

I can't tell
when he's being sweet for real
when he's being sweet to play nice, to play me
when he's being a jerk because he means it and it's his personality
when he's being a jerk because he's acting out in hurt, because he likes me

Does he even like me?

Do I even like him?

It goes so well
til one of us opens our mouth

and then it gets messier.

Seen it so many times with so many people
Been so irritated and frustrated
- why don't they just leave and stay left??
I don't even have an excuse to stay
Not dependent in any way
Not afraid of abuse
Not even in love
So what the hell!?

...and we do it again.

Messy, this attachment
to what?
What I wish he was?

How many times do we need to spin on this ride
knowing full well it makes us sick?