Makes Me Sick

Sometimes
When I think of how you manipulated me
How underneath, I knew it all along
I wanted so badly to believe
But I couldn't shake the sense of wrong
Yeah, when I think about that little detail
It makes me sick
You make me sick
I make myself sick

But sometimes
When I think of how you made love to me
The games we played, how hard I came
Nestled in your muscly arms, thrilled by your agile tongue
Fetish master, you knew just how to make me cream
You know, I never shared such kink or passion with anyone before
It makes me wet
You make me wet
The memory makes me wet still

But sometimes
When I think of the horrid names you called me
Your cruel derision, how quick you'd flip into rage
How your dominance became a lifestyle
Not just a bedroom game
How my shivers of excitement plunged to chills of fear
It made me scared
You make me scared
My own choices scare me

I did it, I left you, I walked away
I got on a plane I knew you couldn't chase
I live in a country now that you can't enter
I'm halfway around the world today

But sometimes
Most times
I think of you
I want you, I miss you, I love you, I fucking hate you
You make me sick
You make me wet
You make me scared
I'm looking for a way to make "us" work
I want you, I miss you, I love you, I hate you
I'm so afraid that I might go back
Yeah, I make myself sick
But I still fantasize about you
You make me wet
I make myself sick

I read a book on abusive men
Your portrait, your mentality was on every page
A textbook case
I knew it all along
Why couldn't you keep your power fetish
to consensual sex
I was happy to play, Lord knows I love that game too
But not when it crosses the line and becomes abuse

You make me sick
You make me wet
You make me scared

I make myself sick
When I masturbate, I think of you
Yeah, I make myself sick

Fuck you.