It Kills Me

Struggling
Cold, so cold in the fire
I've never been so confused
I'm all alone
I want you

and it kills me

Glossing over the times
you pinned me down
picked me up
threw me down again
held me by the jaw
by the arms, by the body, by the throat
between my legs
wouldn't let me go

and it kills me

I was in such awe of you
You were so brilliant, so strong
so resilient, so tough
clever funny charming sexy everything I ever wanted everything everythingeverything
You've been so many places
I was nothing

and it kills me

What has happened
to my self-respect
I can remember
or at least I thought I did
that it wasn't always like this
I didn't realize until I met you
how stupid and weak
I really am
I didn't know
I was so selfish
I didn't know
I guess you have a lot more experience
with abusive relationships than me
You were my first; I was just
another conquest with a fat mouth
and a couple other holes to fill
So I guess you're the authority
You know better than me
You make sure to tell me
how it's all my fault

and it kills me

So now I'm struggling
I'm cold, so cold in the fire
Still so confused
I'm all alone, away from you
I'm ashamed 'cause I want you

but I know that you can kill me.